Everyone faces setbacks in life.  Anything and everything can be called a setback, depending on our mindset. We can feel a sudden loss of confidence and self-belief during these times.

However, the way we respond to these setbacks is what shapes us and defines our success.

 

In this blog, I share a 5-step guide that has helped me overcome setbacks in my life.

 

Contents

1. What is a setback?
2. The 5-step guide
3. Step 1 – Accept
4. Step 2 – Review & Reset
5. Step 3 – Focus
6. Step 4 – Seek help
7. Step 5 – Learning & Gratitude
8. Applying this 5-step guide

 

What is a setback?

Setbacks, obstacles, challenges, adversities, and hurdles—whatever name you want to call them—are an inevitable part of life.  These could come in the form of losing your job, not getting that promotion, a loss in the family, unexpected illness or travel, becoming a parent or caregiver, etc. Anything that can shake the placid routine of your life and cause it to become derailed can be considered a setback.

 

The 5-step guide

Over the years, I recognized a pattern in the way I handled the challenges that cropped up in my life. I have distilled the process and shared it in this 5-step guide.  This can be used for any kind of setback.

 

Step 1 – Accept

 

Recently, I fractured my ankle.  True, it was a hairline fracture.  But any kind of fracture is a serious thing.

 

My first reaction was utter disbelief.

This can’t be happening to me!  I don’t have time for this!  Why me? Why now?

I tried ignoring it. But it would not go away!

 

Finally, I calmed myself down and took a deep breath.

Let’s see what the actual situation is, I told myself.  Then we can panic.

 

The verdict remained the same.  I had a hairline ankle fracture.  The doctor had prescribed a minimum of 4 weeks of rest.

 

I sighed in resignation.  Finally, my mind was able to accept that I have a situation that calls for complete rest.

 

 

Action steps:

1. Write out the worst-case scenario in this situation. It’s easy to imagine the worst outcome happening.

Eg. For me, I could write – What if I had a full-blown leg fracture?

In the event of being let off – What if I lost my job and the job market collapsed?

What if, after having been passed over for promotion, I am asked to relocate?

Use your imagination and write down those fears that are holding you in the grip of terror.

2. Take a few deep breaths. Calm your mind.
3. Now look at your worst-case scenarios.

Have they come true?  If they have – like losing your job – then you have already reached rock bottom.  The only way to go from here is up.

If they haven’t come true – feel so grateful and lucky that ONLY this much has happened.  It’s easy to go up from here (you have to believe this!).

4. On a scale from 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest), where would you place this current setback? This immediately brings it to scale, and you can see the bigger picture.

 

That’s it!  That feeling of relief is called acceptance.

 

The Alcoholics Anonymous prayer comes to mind:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can and

the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

Step 1 complete.

 

 

Your setback is just a setup for your comeback.

Steve Harvey

 

Step 2 – Review & Reset

What next? I thought.

I suddenly realized that a lot of changes needed to be made in my life.

Now that I had accepted that this ‘thing’ had happened to me, my mind switched to solution mode.  No more wasting time asking Why? and denying what had happened.

 

 

Here’s what worked for me:

I accepted the situation and decided to make the best of it. This put my mind in a positive frame. I was energized to look for solutions now that I was in action mode.  My confidence in myself slowly returned.  I could do this!

 

First, I reviewed my tasks and expectations at work and home.

I had to reset a lot of areas by doing the following.

 

Action steps: I took an inventory of what needed to be

1. Reviewed – what needed to be done, what could be outsourced
2. Deleted (temporarily) – eg. I shifted my work appointments
3. Delegated – I got a cook, my family members helped out

The number of tasks that can be delegated or outsourced might surprise you!

We tend to assume that we are indispensable.  This is an exercise in humility!

 

The most important aspect here was to mentally reset myself to adjust to my new reality.  To stay upbeat. To take the time to heal. Believe that things will get better.

 

 

Very important – Any setback that disrupts our routine makes an impact on us physically, mentally, and spiritually.  By ‘healing’, I mean the time you need to reset all three layers of yourself.

Everyone is unique. Healing and moving forward takes time.  Take as much time as you need to heal.  Life is not a race, and this setback is not a pitstop. There is no hurry to jump back onto the hamster wheel.

 

 

Step 3 – Focus

The intention is to switch off completely from current activities for a short time.  Use this time to heal, think deeply, and focus on yourself.

Important – Accept the tide of emotions that will be released.  All of us respond to stress in different ways.  Emotions are a way of getting the stress out of our system. The most common thing that happens is that we find our confidence ebbing away leaving us feeling shaky and not trusting our abilities.

 

Action steps:

Write down what you are feeling – frustrated, sad, scared, terrified of the future, worried about money.  Do a brain dump and accept the feelings. Do not deny what you are feeling.  As humans, feelings are our means of expression. You will feel lighter and more able to cope after doing this.

 

In light of this setback, I needed to rethink my goals.

My first goal was to heal completely.  What did I need to do for that daily?

Next, my current goals had to be reworked including health, work, and mindset. What else could I do at this time to move forward with my other goals?

 

 

I put together 2-3 small milestones I could achieve during this month.

Releasing my fortnightly newsletter was one of them.

Meditation and journaling were on the list too.

This helped shift my focus from pain and injuries to more productive things. These actions also built up my belief that I could handle this setback.  I will get through this and emerge stronger.

 

Benefits of setting short-term goals of 1 to 3 months

• It is a way of gaining control back in our life
• Helps us cope when the setback seems enormous
• These small milestones keep us focused and positive
• Helps us take care of immediate tasks

In this way, we can slowly work through the setback instead of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.

 

Setbacks have an upside; they fuel new dreams.

Dara Torres

 

 

Step 4 – Seek help

 

I know it was hard for me to ask for help.  I was used to being independent and taking care of the family.

Right now, there was no other choice than to ask them for help.

 

I did, and you know what?  It was not as hard as I thought it would be.

My family was happy to help and do things for me.  It turned out to be a pleasant experience.

Suddenly, we became a team.  We faced all the challenges that arose together.  I was enjoying the experience!

Studies have shown that the reasons we hesitate to ask for help are

• Our pride and feeling of independence
• We don’t like to feel vulnerable
• Embarrassed to be seen as needy or wanting
• The fear of rejection

 

However, according to Stanford social psychologist Xuan Zhao’s research, people regularly underestimate others’ willingness to help. She shares how asking for help can lead to meaningful experiences.  In fact, it can strengthen relationships with family, friends, and strangers.

 

Action steps: How do I seek help?

People are usually wary when asked for ‘help’.  That’s a natural response.  What do they want from me that I may not be willing to give?

The easy way to ask for help is the SMART way, as per Xuan Zhao’s findings.

Be specific, meaningful, action-oriented, realistic, and time-bound.

People will be happy to help as long as they are clear on what it is that is required of them.

Asking for advice, a sounding board, or a comforting presence usually elicits a positive response.

 

 

Step 5 – Learning & Gratitude

This is an essential step.  Ask yourself: What did I learn from this setback?

How can I use the life lessons I have learned to grow and become better?

What did I learn about myself?

Are there any ‘mistakes’ that I am repeating?  What can I stop doing? What should I start doing?

For eg. if you lost your job – ask yourself: What is the best investment of my time now so that I can get that dream job?  Is it investing in courses?  Connecting with mentors and peers? Or is it time to rethink my career trajectory?

Self-reflection is a powerful tool. Use it often during this time of healing. Use this as a means to learn.  Do NOT use this as an excuse to berate yourself and keep beating yourself up for your mistakes.

Regret also sets in at this time … if only I did this …..  if only I said that…..

Remember this.  The past is over.  You cannot go back.  However, you can change your future through your actions and thoughts today.  Choose to learn from the past and move on.

 

The tale of two monks and a woman is a well-known Buddhist parable. The story goes that two monks were traveling together, a senior and a junior. They came to a river with a strong current, where a young woman was waiting, unable to cross alone. She asks the monks if they would help her across the river.

 

 

Without a word and despite the sacred vow he’d taken not to touch women, the older monk picks her up, crosses, and sets her down on the other side.

The younger monk joins them across the river and is aghast that the older monk has broken his vow but doesn’t say anything.

 

An hour passes as they travel on. Then two hours. Then three.

 

Finally, the now quite agitated younger monk can stand it no longer: “Why did you carry that woman when we took a vow as monks not to touch women?”

 

The older monk replies, “I set her down hours ago by the side of the river. Why are you still carrying her?”

 

This story is a reminder to live in the present moment rather than be consumed by the past.

Source:isha.sadhguru

 

 

Gratitude is another essential habit to have in your toolkit.

 

According to research.com, these are a few of the benefits we get from practicing gratitude.

• Boost of self-confidence
• Improved patience
• Resilience
• More optimistic
• More forgiving

 

Action steps:

The article also gives us the following tips on how to practice gratitude:

• Keep a journal, writing at least 3 things you are grateful for each day
• Visual reminders – keep pictures of the things you are grateful for in your life – eg. family, friends, memories
• Spread gratitude – consciously practice small acts of kindness. Be more appreciative of family.
• Writing thank you notes – A handwritten note is a cherished possession in today’s online world. It is guaranteed to brighten up the receiver’s day.

 

 

 

Applying this guide

 

Everyone deals with setbacks in their way.  However, knowing there is a progression of activities helps us move through the various phases.  It speeds up our healing, facilitates deep thinking, and helps us cultivate the habit of gratitude.

 

 

Here are the 5 steps to move you from setbacks to success:.

1. Accept
2. Review and Reset
3. Focus
4. Seek help
5. Learning and Gratitude

 

This guide is just that – a guide.  Feel free to tweak the steps.  Do what works for you.

I hope you emerge from your setback stronger and better than before.

 

Would you like to share your story of how you overcame a setback? Please email me at confidence.multiplier@chimmukutty.com.

 

For fortnightly wisdom capsules on self-growth, productivity, and confidence, please subscribe to my newsletter at www.chimmukutty.com/newsletter

 

Mandala art by Chimmu Kutty

All pictures courtesy: Canva